c:\last\death\how it happens\child running near her school
st n ght th s c nd d y b f r th l st d y th th rd l gh b f r th l st l gh th l st m l th th rd l gh b f r th l st l gh th n ght b f r th l st n ght th s c l st d y th th rd l gh b f r th l st l gh th w lk ft r th l st w lk th s c nd l st w lk th s c nd m l b f r th l st m l th th rd l gh b f r th l st l gh th r th l st l gh th n ght b f r th l st n ght th s c nd d y b f r th l st d y th th w lk b f r th l st w lk th s c nd m l b f r th l st m l th f r th l st n ght th s c nd d y b f r th l st d y th th rd l gh b f r th l st ft r th l st n ght th s c nd d y ft r th l st d y th th rd l gh ft r th l st l b f r th l st w lk th s c nd m l b f r th l st m l th th rd l gh b f r th l st ft r th l st w lk th s c nd m l ft r th l st m l th th rd l gh ft r th l st l hr cl ck st r th s nd f ch ld r nn ng n r h r sch l sh d w f m n n r thr cl ck st r th s nd f ch ld r nn ng n r h r sch l th sh d w f m n n r thr cl ck st r th s nd f ch ld r nn ng n r h r sch l ft r th l st l gh th sh d w f m n n r thr cl ck st r th s nd f ch ld r nn ng n th l st n ght th s c nd d y b f r th l st d y th th rd l gh b f r th l st l gh th l st n ght th s c nd d y ft r th l st d y th th rd l gh ft r th l st l gh t c nd d y b f r th l st d y th th rd l gh b f r th l st l gh th w lk ft r th l s c nd d y ft r th l st d y th th rd l gh ft r th l st l gh th sh d w f m n n sometimes i think this ruins the poem which i wrote and rewrote in my sleep my dreams, ghosts haunting, haunched on my shoulders, unbearable pain, then an effect as if it is the ruin itself which is the awakening ..
this is your space, first space, new, almost glistening, think of it as bright, shiny wed sep 22 01:52:23 edt 1999 think of lip or nub, this is second space, it is here an origin unfolds, dark space rimmed with in- choate sounds, sometimes come together in doubled subharmonics wed sep 22 01:53:33 edt 1999 this is third space, space of electron and organization, space of speed and speech, oh after the bright and glistening, this is fourth space, of memory, data and measure polytope, space of defining borderline middle, space of region, space of sometimes dusk wed sep 22 01:54:50 edt 1999 in fifth space center appears, lost from origin, hardly doubled, imagining the greatest wheel, beings chained, shadowed clouds gather wed sep 22 01:55:39 edt 1999 towards sixth space appointing direc- tions, winds begin, center disappears, unholding, beings fluttered in vertical flight, space of memory, data acquisitions, tensor calculi and wed sep 22 01:56:31 edt 1999 seventh space, comfort of center in the midst of monsoons and thunders, debris tossed off the foam of grey-slate waves, skies the colours of meteors wed sep 22 01:57:03 edt 1999 into the ninth of planetary realms, for what remains in high wind but clutter, destruc- tion of family photograph, history, talisman, it's here among the planets mind begins to go, tears where thoughts gathered. the once. wed sep 22 01:59:17 edt 1999 tenth and now long walking, forgetting with fearful eyes, tornado wed sep 22 01:59:48 edt 1999 i wonder i don't remember her name ]
[ eighth space, unfolding of origin and body, limbs akimbo, nouns, torn hurricane fabrics, tsunami restless and fast beneath the waves, doub- ling of selves fearful plasma, endless roads, is it tenth or twelfth, what is the rocking moon, where is the child living down the street wed sep 22 02:00:18 edt 1999 fourteenth or ninth, she was so sweet i wonder i don't remember her name
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Some people really can't read about the problems others are having; for others, including myself, it's healing, knowing there are other people who feel like I do, that I may be crazy, but there are other crazies out there and maybe we aren't that crazy after all.
But sometimes as well people attack me for how I feel. I mean, how could I be attacked, I'm just expressing myself, what I'm going through. I don't want to lay it on anyone else, I just want to be understood. I don't even want sympathy, just maybe there would be someone reading what I have to say who could understand me or help.
Very briefly, if it wasn't for these people on line, I would kill myself a long time ago. These have been the people who have helped me when my friends haven't wanted to even hear anything about me.
What do I have to do, have a crisis before anyone listens to me? I'm 30 yrs. old and I've supported myself since I was 15. I know how to get around but believe me, it's not been easy. And if I speak about malaise or something that's not all that interesting, I mean how much of this stuff really IS interesting, then no one wants to hear me.
Now at least I can say how I feel. Before I could never talk to anyone. Now I have someone who will listen to me when I express my rage, when I want to kill myself. I know I will be a better person. It is enough that they listen, they don't have to say anything. My computer has become my best friend.
I've learned that I can discuss things better with you online than I can with my doctor, and I know now who to avoid when I need to look for a doctor. It has been very painful; it has been the most painful period of my life and being on line has saved me time and again
For once I could talk to my doctor and tell her that the medication was not working, that it might have been a placebo for all I know. I said I wanted to try something else, that I had the support of the online commu- nity. I said nothing else mattered, my whole world gets caught up in this or that medication and I know there is more to life than that.
Before, I was always taken by surprised; now I know when things are going to get bad way ahead of time, and I can look for help from my doctor or from online, and online people seem much more willing to listen.
Sometimes I'll feel so down, I could almost break things. Then to listen online to people talking, I mean what they say to each other, how they relate, sometimes it's really funny, and that helps a lot. I never thought I could laugh so much from things coming over the screen but that's how it is.
It is so spiritual to read these disembodied voices who never judge me, and I know in real life they never would...
There are people out there in this town who could really benefit from all this on line, they would learn how to better control themselves. I think so many people in this culture are hurting or wrecked, I don't know where
it's all coming from, things are changing so fast, for everyone. I'm only seventeen and I can hardly handle my life anymore, things going so fast before my eyes, but when I get online I can really concentrate and slow things down and learn to speak and think for myself
You know, my daughter wouldn't talk to anyone, and we were both going through a lot and it was coming on line that gave us the courage to speak, first to others, and then to ourselves. It was so strange, we began by writing back and forth, honestly trying to deal with our feelings, even though we were living in the same house. I think things like this are somehow more natural than being off line and walking warily around the place, all of us fearful to speak to one another, we've got all those defenses from being in the same place together too long.
Now this is what I have to say, don't use this as a crutch. If you do, what will you do when y2k comes along or your computer goes? It's a lot more delicate than a friend, you have to know that. It's not a friend at all, it's machinery that brings you voices that help you and console you from time to time. But you can't count on it. I wouldn't count on it at all.
This has replaced drugs of any sort for me; you can't believe what I was like at one time. I couldn't even sit down without shuddering. Now I have the time to even be with my parents a little, we're beginning to under- stand each other. But it's because of this screen, nothing else. And they know that. Someday maybe I can put this aside, but not for a long long time.
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